He has made it clear that he wants a pregnancy to be terminated. Drugs was just one theory to how she got that way. Lets wait to have sex until we have a bigger place. However, I dont think it sounds like hes ready or willing to settle down with either woman. A forty-year-old man knows exactly how women get pregnant and how to avoid that if he absolutely doesnt want a baby. Let him go. But for someone more causal, that isnt really there as much. Im arguing that he should be able to get out of the responsibility in the same way that a woman can get out of that responsibility. You can leave this dude, try to learn to live life on your own, try to show compassion toward your fellow women, and try to learn to identify unhealthy relationships straight away, before you find yourself embroiled in more soap-opera style theatrics. Definitely do a paternity test to be sure but if he follows through with not being a part of the childs life, hes a scumbag. April 10, 2012, 6:37 pm. Get your hands off my uterus! Every relationship ends in death or a breakup, so this is not unusual. Are women less able to care and provide in todays society? Now after checking his texts, why did you confront the other women? Theyre eating each other alive, and theyre doing it up hill both ways, in three feet of snow, with no shoes on! After reading your comment, all I wanna say is, AfuckingMEN. The adoption process has a pretty involved vetting procedure- meaning that birth parents can reasonably assume the child will be cared for by the adoptive parent or parents. (and I hate that C-word.but LW, you deserve it). If someone ahead of you slams on their brakes because they want to read a billboard and you hit them, Id guess youd be not be upset, because its your fault and youre aware that cars ahead of you can stop at any point. Where exactly do you live? Trap Red Flag #1. Remember we are hearing all this second or third hand. Therefore, when having sex with a woman, you must assume that she could get pregnant and could keep it even though you dont want it; or on the flip side, abort it even though you dont want her to. I wont go into the reasons they came to this, (very long, and quite personal, story), but its entirely possible that if a women gets pregnant and decides to keep the baby though the father would prefer she abort, he DOES have the option to waive his parental rights and duties to the child and thus not be legally responsible for child support. If you and a person you want to sleep with are not on the same page on what should happen in case of accidental pregnancy, dont have sex with them. Have you ever been in a fling for a good amount of time -- maybe even half a year . Cut your losses and get the hell out. So, this man had sex with a women while he was unattached and not under any commitment, and that makes him scum? You sound like one of those pro-lifers who are always compelling women to do things against their will. Men cant choose to abort because biology dictates that the fetus is not in their body. We dont know that she asked for any money. Plus Ive noticed that the more calm and rational you keep your comment, the less likely the truly crazies ones are to even respond to you at all. Since most of the people here seem to be pretty strong advocates of womens right to choose, to be treated equally, and so on and I agree with those stances it seems backwards, odd, and a double standard to say that men need to be financially responsible if the woman decides he should be and that they should have no say whatsoever in that. Pregnancy by deception? Yeah, but theres a lot of harshness toward the LW as well. Why would you want a future with someone that could do something like that? reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): A You are talking as if a decision to terminate a pregnancy is as easy as taking out the garbage, as if there are no consequences to it whatsoever. I dont think he is a bad person for telling a woman within the first trimester of a pregnancy that he barely knew and presumably made no false impressions to that he did not want a child and had no intention of being a part of that childs life. Thats the difference. Your constant blatant disregard for others is increasingly more and more shocking Plus it is only the heteros that are so steadfast and determined to keep fucking people like me over and over All the while, claiming they want smaller government Then get the FUCK out of my bedroom and out of my fucking life. People are calling him scum because hes a guy who doesnt want to become a father to that womans child. Having read some of the (ahem) well-reasoned responses to my post (and your response), I realize the interwebs are probably not the best place to argue the merits of paternity law. She didnt ask for any help with the other women so why would people be throwing out their opinions on that? bittergaymark iseeshiny Since you obviously cant formulate a cogent argument on the merit of these laws in response to my questions (as it doesnt interest you), I wonder why you keep going out of your way to engage this conversation. But condoms should still be used unless the relationship is established and monogamous and both parties are disease-free. John Rohan Yes, it would be nice if he were eager to become a parent. Guy Friday While it would be ridiculous to only have sex if you intended to conceive a child, it should still be in the back of everyones mind that it *can* happen, and if so, the woman, whos burdened with the pregnancy, gets to make the final call. For what its worth, Im a married guy and a father. I would love, just ONCE on this site, for one of the male commenters to address shitty man behavior. I dont know what he told her within those two minutes but obviously it worked cause now yeah. April 9, 2012, 11:41 am. And why do you think shes trying to trap him? Government will go after him for either Medical Support and/or Child Support. So he had no obligation to her whatsoever. That should have been the end of it. I mean, for starters, if I even had one unplanned baby while on the pill, Id probably not continue to use it. Of course my opinion of her is based on the story he is telling you. Or shes financially and emotionally ready to have a baby. All rights reserved. She says she thinks shed like to keep it. Stop being a whiny spectator in your own life. You dont want his problems. He has a responsibility to the baby, but thats as far as it goes. Like being pregnant is easy. Why are people here creating scenarios that arent in the letter? Man is in quotes becuase no man abandons a woman that he impregnates. And as a grown adult; as a person whos lived 40 years and should have acquired a sense of decency and maturity; you should own up to the consequences of your actions. But if you are uninterested in a relationship with him because of his newfound drama then walk away sister. April 9, 2012, 1:13 pm. I think I said that about my boyfriend was I was about 15. Maybe the man in me is coming out today, but in a time where all you hear about is the War on Women and how dare any man tell a woman what they can and cannot do with their bodies that anyone on here can say this man doesnt have a right to do whatever he pleases with his body. It just pays. What a joke. Everyone needs to quit having sex and then saying they hate or cant stand that person. Whats your lawyers address? April 9, 2012, 2:45 pm. when i was single i acted as if the other people i was involved with werent thinking about it. Exactly why I advocate abortions in those cases. reader, confused.i.is+, writes (25 January 2008): All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft. Adoption is a completely different matter. According to legal abortion theory, only women create children. Is that fair to women? 1970 Mustang Mach I "Synergy Green Pearl"351 Cleveland - Fuel Injection "The Rattle Shaker" Complete nut and bolt rotisserie restoration LESS than 500 miles by C.A.R.S. And yes it a double standardoh wait men dont have uteruses, silly me. Cmon now, youd never buy that argument for forcing the woman to have the child. Homosexual couples dont HAVE to adopt. Let this be a learning lesson for everyone male and female. Youre taking something he is saying pre-child and assuming that it is the reality of what will happen post-birth. Its interesting how none of these comments address that he SPECIFICALLY said that he would have nothing to do with his own child. )boyfriend who got the woman pregnant. It would have been way happier if its bottles didnt explode. So, she went out, hooked up with someone she knew briefly (which a lot of people do) and accidently got pregnant. And no it shouldnt be just the womans responsibility that the bf just met if she decides to not have an abortion or give the child up for adoption. There are any number of cases where under-age males, 12 years old, 14 years old, 16 years old, get hit for child support because the female teacher who statutorily RAPED them got pregnant. Nice try. Whether or not she trapped him is irrelevant, in my opinion. And without condoms?! They should act responsibly. April 10, 2012, 7:31 pm. or if shes just done too many drugs or something and her brain is rotting away. LW, you need to take time to look at what you want in your life. April 10, 2012, 6:58 pm. He let you go. April 10, 2012, 7:15 pm. It doesnt even come close. I agree Savannah. A better comparison would be a woman abandoning her child in a shelter, etc- and while Im happy there is an option for truly desperate people (who often have major issues, mental illness, abuse, etc), I do think that doing that rather than going through a traditional adoption channel is a pretty scummy thing to do. If you were having a good communication way with him before, you can found out that he got another girl pregnant before you were dating. However, my point isnt that children should not be supported. Your argument that consenting adults should never have sex unless theyre prepared to become parents neglects the fact that not only do we have the means to significantly reduce the risk of pregnancy, we have extremely safe ways of terminating pregnancies, especially very early on. Exactly, so if knowing this you still choose to proceed with anything that could result in a pregnancy you have no one to blame but yourself if you become a parent. I have no idea why you two took a break if you cant live without each other, but honestly, neither one of you is mature enough to be in a committed relationship. Your welcome. Your body, your choice; however, your choice, your problem. I do think that in their blind rage, some of the commenters have backed themselves into the position that men become the property of any woman they sleep with, as well as their exs. And guess whatthe potential consequences came to life, quite literally for him. Oh, and I dont hate women who get child support. I noticed you dutifully avoided addressing that.. I am not entirely sure how this applies when the kids are not the product of both people, but when it is mom, dad, junior and junette junior and junette do not always come first, always. And those young boys and those young boys parents have wages garnished for the next 18 years to pay for the rapists child. bittergaymark Offset Changes Instagram Avatar to Takeoff Photo After His Death. In fact, Im sure you could find a wealth of women who never received support a day in their life. Maam, he didnt waste any time moving on from you. I highly doubt that he wouldve slept with her if he knew how incompatible they are prior to bedtime. You are certainly not the first person in this situation, and its worked out well for others, so you relationship may not be *doomed*, but it will be certainly complicated. bittergaymark If they dont want to be taken, then they should think before they poke. April 9, 2012, 4:44 pm. He didnt. And while not using a condom might not be the end all be all of crazy mistakes, he should have known better. April 9, 2012, 5:05 pm. They arent bad people because of it. Your statement that she would not allow him to see his kids indicate that he has more than one child. But there is a happy ending to this story. Chuck Pelto sorry, brain). Theyre both opposed to abortion but theyre being safe, right? You two seems very good at twisting everyones words, and then getting mad at those people for it. he said this is not gonna ruin us, ReginaRey I attempt to avoid name calling, but if you have a problem with one person ASKING another person to do or not do ANYTHING, you are a poor excuse for an adult! I think it is unfair that the man cant have sex without the possibility of becoming a parent, but the woman can. Im not sure. Its not fair to create a child and then abandon it. I know you have to keep the possibility in the back of your mind, but youve really been ready and willing for motherhood every time youve decided to sleep with someone? I blocked his number, but 2-3 weeks laterhe was calling me from his job, calling me through Facebook, and calling me from a private number. Chuck Pelto honeybeenicki Lots of it. No, thats the kids money. Or is she trying to get him to live up to his responsibilities (which he brought on himself when he had unprotected sex and got someone pregnant)? CollegeCat And for what its worth, I highly doubt he can bear to live without you. I mean, he didnt exactly waste any time getting some other chick pregnant, did he? Does that suck for some individuals who didnt want it in the first place? As for the STDs nobody is saying that you shouldnt have sex because you could get them, they are saying that if you are going to have unprotected sex, and then sleep with a different person after that, you at the very least owe it to them, to tell them that you did this, and if they ask, you should get tested. You can have a relationship with someone with a child but you have to be ready for it. Tell you what sunshine I promise that when men carry the children you all can decide about terminating the pregnancy too irrespective of your partners wants then we will have that equality you want so bad. Mileage 450. I want to get angry but I don't know if it's considered cheating. Sure sure you have sex, theres always the possibility of a child. (youve already split for two months, for reasons you didnt even mention). female Or, hey, maybe they were both tested, maybe they were both clean, and maybe he believed her, and maybe she actually was on the pill. Not to say that a single mother cannot give a child the support she needs alone, but as the father if you wash your hands of being in the childs life, you do not KNOW or even have a reasonable expectation (especially if shes a one night stand youve only known for 2 minutes) that the mother will be a sufficient parent. Im not a lawyer, or in any way familiar with the law about these things, so my assumption is based on what a friend told me first hand about his experience. Otherwise were looking at an extremely improbable event which the woman in question was able to predict with uncanny accuracy. I simply had to chime in here as this is what I do for a living and so many people are sadly misinformed. Wheww. As a woman, you have control over that. The misogyny is the implication that this somehow makes it easy for a woman. It could fail. Adoptive parents are as capable as any others of deciding that having a child isnt right for them, that they werent as prepared for it as they thought, and that the child isnt really theirs, and theyre as likely to have other major negative events in their lives as anyone. Change the subject and attack is not debate and makes you look pathetic. lets_be_honest Once again its the way the LW and the bf (at least the way the LW is presenting his reactions) acted about the potential baby that are rubbing people the wrong way. I would suggest that the man under discussion would not be sponge-worthy. Now, the woman could want it and the dude not want it. This is not true, and I say this because a (male) friend of mine went through this a few years ago. You mean, he should be able to decide whether or not hes emotionally distant and vacant from the life he had equal part in creating? Where the issue comes in is who physically is around the child more, which is placement, which though there has been progress tends to err on the side of the mother still, with all other things being equal. Id rather him be honest and bow out now then be in and out or in as a lousy, forced parent. The pull out method? Its a crappy scenarios but shit happens, and theres really nothing YOU can do about it. I feel in a way he is essentially giving the child up for adoptionto the mother who wants the child. There is no child at conception very good. All that does is make 3 people miserable (both parents plus the child). What a door mat you are! Because when the woman has a baby, she isnt a slave to anything. But were here to offer advice to LW, so I say evanscr05 is right: Dump this loser, yesterday. If he didnt want a child he should have better protected himself. And finally , yes, I do think he should have some right to what happens to that pregnancy, and yes I do think that trapping someone by getting pregnant is repulsive, and so yes, I can understand his anger at the woman if that is what is happening. Youre the one asserting that its only one sex that experiences unfairness. Why you waste any time belly aching about how unfair it is, is beyond me. When its the woman who will suffer the consequences, its the woman who should be vigilant. It can pick up cells from a previous ejaculation, but peeing flushes them off. But I think that both people have equal responsibility and equal rights in expressing a view. February 6, 2017, 4:03 pm, Simalar to me.. we fell inlove from schol at 15 we kiss at 16 sex at 21 we separated for 5mths he saw another girl and she lie told him she was pregnant..she moved in his parents house..i said goodbye he came begging me ..he dont love her.tears tears .. the next month her period came her lie came in the openshe never left ..i have since moved on ..25yrs to dated he still beging me to come backi played a game with him recently ..i said i would leave my husband would u leave your wifeto be with mehe said yes yesdo u have money to buy a house for me like what u did for her.the silence was deafing.i hang up the phone.. playersmove on leave him alone, lets_be_honest 1.1K views, 24 likes, 7 loves, 2 comments, 9 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Shukla Gaming: Steve Wilkos ANGRY Moments What you would do in her situation is irrelevant. No interest in fatherhood? Increasingly, more and more, these letters just simply disgust me. Just like we trust people when they say they got tested? It happens, some people are incredibly fertile. Stuff like this really grinds my gears. Like being pregnant isnt massively uncomfortable. Like most men are running around handing out free money to them without them having to fight for it. But there is no ensuring that the child is cared for in an adoption. Rather than holding him responsible, you have focused on the other women. But sometimes, we don't even realize just how painful they are until after they've happened, and the person you love . She and Jimmy were going to raise their children together. She never said an unkind word about him and made sure I knew that hed fulfilled his obligations by paying child support. reader, marissa0916+, writes (26 August 2015): A When you break up, you get the rare opportunity to see your ex's true nature at the worst of times. This is your CHILD. Basically, he is dumping you and moving on. The point you bring up here is why I cant wrap my head around one night stands. A mans legal obligation to support his children is not some well hidden secret and nowhere is it mentioned that hes being asked for anything more. Now Im confused. She looked enough to bang, though, huh? The states dont advertise this. And sorry if this is harsh, but JESUS, I cant even be nice about this one. Youre expecting women to put the penis of some guy theyve known for two minutes in their mouth?!?!?!?! I mean sure I can relate to the horrible emotions one gets about thinking that their guys (even if hes an ex at this point!) The way I figure, he can go ahead and have unprotected sex all he wants but I still maintain its a bad idea. Sounds like its coming out of the starting blocks with two strikes against it in the gene pool department. God knows the mother of this child will have no choice but to do that. You are the one who is keeping this rollercoaster of a relationship going with him. It;s an even bigger dickish move, dare I say cuntish move to fucking LIE about being on the pill to get knocked up Or maybe shes just a fucking idiot and cant figure out how to follow the directions on a prescription bottle. November 19, 2012, 3:02 pm. April 9, 2012, 6:41 pm, bittergaymark just my opinion. Theyve both made their choice. He apologized for not telling me sooner. Not your body, not your choice. No, honey, I am not and I dont believe HmC is either. April 10, 2012, 7:42 pm. However, hey, feel free to pretend its still 2000 BC. Third, I weep for that child. This is a great contrast to Wendys piece about Drew being a great husband/dad. Its none of your business. Im just trying to clarify the parameters here. He says he told her hes not happy about this pregnancy and didnt want a baby and asked her to abort as he was 40 years old. Problem. But if she is not YOU need to decide if you can handle your boyfriend having a child with another woman. I just felt a huge blow of betrayal because I was waiting for him to talk to me again. I have a friend in somewhat related situation. Its not really his right to decide whether or not she keeps the baby. reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): A SweetsAndBeats And should. We decided to get back together as we cant bear life without each other. There is a massive difference between wanting a pregnancy to be terminated and deciding to have nothing to do with a child who has been born. Ive done too many drugs and Id never write a letter like this XD. I dont see why the guy should get a free pass for having unprotected sex. Well, there are more than a million people who have been unexpectedly pregnant in this country, so arguably those risks are higher. I dont feel like his decision to not be involved in his biological childs life makes him an immature asshole. she's a real bitch. I agree that condoms provide significantly better protection than not wearing anything. Turns out that the bout of food poisoning she got after their anniversary dinner and the diarrhea that came with it messed with the effectiveness of her birth control pills. He had sex, she got pregnant, presumably its his, and hell provide support. Sad that the life you thought was going to happen when you got back with the BF is going to get messier? Whatever. April 9, 2012, 9:58 am. reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2008): A I said there and I think it bears repeating here: you have no right to assume the woman you are having sex with has the same views on abortion as you. SpaceySteph Just sayin there are options, oral being only one of them. I was just 6 months into a relationship when I got pregnant. I think this would cut down on a LOT of baby mama drama with regards to accusations of women getting pregnant on purpose or trapping me with a baby. Because no matter how much we feminists on here hate that bullshit, it DOES happen. We're doing great but after a month, he confessed he got this girl pregnant. Her judgment is irrelevant, but it isnt immoral. Youre all about putting consequeces on her choice to keep the baby what about his consequences? Its not a gender-based law. reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): A And we dont really know that she actually said shes on the pill or if she is indeed really pregnant or if the lw truly wants him to go off and marry the other woman. I think that gives you a little time to get on her good side and work on those shortcomings. He did help create it. How long his new relationship has lasted. Oh, and I really dislike when every accidental pregnancy letter we get on here because a huge fest for people throwing around you were too stupid to use a condom or you didnt try to prevent pregnancy at all, when we really have NO information regarding what precautions they did or did not take. by Kara Straight May 11, 2018. Niven and Pournelle, Lucifers Hammer]. The fact that you are even considering getting back with this guy right now blows my mind. Susie is lost. I had no idea most women hated it. Taking no personality responsibility whatsoever and then whining about the consequences? So, he feels it is best to make things work with her for the sake of his baby. He said while I was away he tried to get over me with someone else and now shes pregnant with his son. I always try to take what the LW says at face value though, and a lot of times I turn out to be very wrong when the updates come around, but I still always think its better to react to what they said not what I think they said. April 10, 2012, 8:46 am, he does not have the option to opt out entirely. But I dont see anything in the letter that means he must be.. Since there is no way to guarantee pregnancy wont occur aside from proof of sterility, this righteous DW anger would likely be aimed at any man who didnt end up wanting the child (no matter what precautions had been taken), likely by the same people whod turn red in the face about any story where a man was forcibly stopping someone from getting an abortion. But if that rape victim gave birth to the child, dropped it on the rapists doorstep and left, its highly probable that the law would pursue her for child support. But thats a crime? Can I interject for a moment and note that CUSTODY isnt generally whats tied to support; PLACEMENT is. Addie Pray April 9, 2012, 8:29 pm. It only says he asked her to. Women have complete reproductive autonomy, but as far as I know it is impossible to become impregnated without a man somewhere in the equation. The father would divorce himself from the child and any obligations to the mother. By clicking Subscribe Now, you agree to our, Find out why Dr. Sherry has this message for this scorned woman: You are being played with a capital "P!, The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages. door to door service. The dude having sex is not my issue. Hes furious with the woman for keeping the child. Look you can either take what the LW wrote in the letter to be a marginally accurate representation of what is going on or why bother reading and commenting at all? You are acting like child support is some sort of lottery win for the woman it is court ordered money that is to go towards the care of your child. having sex with someone you dont know that well. Does this mean, then, that you advocate that every woman who ever gets pregnant must (a) have the child and (b) stay with the father, lest she be scum? We have the means to resolve pregnancy issues. If the man doesnt, apparently you feel that he should not have that option. Sue Jones It is quite possible to become pregnant on the pill. I wanted to punch my computer screen while reading this and was so afraid the comments would not say what you are saying. Has she tried to convince him to come back to her? Where do stand on the fact that when a pregnancy occurs its only the woman who has to go through either an abortion or childbirth and the man never does either? Relax. I think your anger is severely displaced and I think I know why if you evaluate the situation without being blinded by your inability to live without this guy, you would see that his true character is shining through and its probably not someone you really want to be with. bittergaymark Your body, your choice; however, your choice, your problem. BC. Ive been in the position where I chose to keep my baby when the father wanted to abort. I often feel bad for the LWs who get called names and judged super harshly on this site and sometimes feel the need to defend them when they just seem lost and in need of some advice. How does your law make this fair? I know plenty of women who are exemplary parents. April 10, 2012, 6:52 pm. There is no 100 percent way to prevent pregnancy. 12, 14, and 16 year old girls are statutorily raped, too, and their rapists? I see youre an ignorant homophobe too. You are feeling particularly aggressive or bold. Unbelievable And as an adult who isnt ready to have children, either, I can empathize with his decision. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. React. April 9, 2012, 4:18 pm. He actually did believe he was the dad, which means he actually did cheat with this other woman. Chuck Pelto Thats what IVF is for either the male or the female gives of their own gametes. He knew it but was willing to take that risk just like any man does when they engage in sex with a woman. Trying to force someone to get an abortion? The pregnancy pulled you back from the brink. Most guys with the level of responsibility that he is showing dont pay child support, anyway. SEX WITHOUT A CONDOM!!! And the LW is making it seem as if her poor bf did nothing. That fact just rubs me the wrong way. You dont have an obligation to be faithful to an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend! It's good that he's being a responsible father already by supporting them financially. Though Ill grant you one concession: Not having this man in a childs life might be a blessing in disguise.
